Put aside the grand mansions, opulent settings, elegant gowns, and eye-popping jewelry that filled the screen in the much anticipated Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale. Creator and writer Julian Fellowes continues the stories of the upstairs-downstairs inhabitants of that iconic estate. 

While we could easily be distracted by the over-the-top display of wealth that was in danger of disappearing, I was taken by two scenes. Lady Mary (Michelle Dockery) meets her lady’s maid, Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) in the kitchen to say goodbye. Anna will be following Lady Cora (Elizabeth McGovern) to live in the dowager’s cottage once inhabited by Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith). Anna, who is pregnant, has something to ask Lady Mary. “Will you be godmother to the baby?” When Lady Mary says yes, both women are misty eyed and obviously moved. But they stand apart, stiff as sticks.

In the second scene, Lady Cora is leaving Downton for the last time. She pauses to say goodbye to the family’s longtime cook, Mrs. Patmore (Lesley Nicol), who is retiring. Lady Cora leans over and embraces Mrs. Patmore , the cook’s surprise registering on her face. For Cora, an American, hugging someone at such an emotional moment is a reflex. For Mrs. Patmore, a Brit and a servant, having someone hug her was unexpected and, we have to wonder, uncomfortable?

With President Trump being hosted by King Charles III last week, the New York Times helpfully ran a quiz about what rules should be observed when meeting a member of the royal family. While there were many specifics listed, they could be summed up in two words: don’t touch. (Except for, perhaps, a handshake, if the royal indicates that’s OK.)

I went back to read parts of Prince Harry’s book, Spare, and found these two sections summarizing what happened when Meghan Markle met Prince William and then Prince Charles. 

“Willy didn’t hug many strangers. Whereas Meg hugged most strangers,” Harry writes. “The moment was a classic collision of cultures, like flashlight-torch, which felt to me both funny and charming.” Then, when Meghan met Prince Charles: “We all stood. Meg learned towards Pa. I flinched; like Willy, Pa wasn’t a hugger. Thankfully, she gave him a standard British cheek-to-cheek, which he actually seemed to enjoy.” 

Unfortunately for Meghan, what comes naturally to her as an American, was interpreted as a display of familiarity that the royals, many British, and certainly the British tabloids considered inappropriate. Still, we have only to look back at photos and films about another princess, Diana, to see that not all royals shunned hugging. Diana was often shown hugging her sons, a habit not passed down to William, but certainly to Harry. 

A hug is more than just physical contact between two people. It sends a message. I see you. I care about you. I’m here for you. I’ve missed you. I’m happy to see you. The person giving the hug receives that affection, too. 

I’m not only an American, I’m an Italian American. If any ethnic group hugs more than Americans, it’s the Italians. I grew up in a family that hugged – a lot. And many of those hugs are stored in my memory bank. I can still feel an embrace from my maternal grandmother that, because of her large bosom, seemed to envelop me in her love. My mother’s hugs were special, the fragrance of her Estée Lauder perfume adding to the experience. My dad was a large man, and so were his hugs. 

I pass along that tradition. I hug my husband and my children, and when I’m fortunate enough to see them, my siblings, nieces, nephews, and anyone in our extended family. I used to hug my cat, Brett. Now I hug my daughter’s cats and my son’s dog. I hug friends, co-workers that I am close to. I hug people when I’m happy, or when I’m feeling down. And I am sure to hug someone when words alone will not be enough to console. 

These days I’m giving and receiving many hugs. When I’m feeling isolated and disconnected from the world around me, a good hug helps to ground me. And when I feel that someone I meet needs a hug, I don’t wait to be asked. I open my arms and give the best hug I can. I hope it helps. 

Top photo: Bigstock